I sat around feeling real sorry for how much weight I’ve been gaining, so I decided to have two sandwiches and the rest of my big chewy ass snickerdoodle cookies for brunch. My mom came into my room like an angry version of Goldie Hawn and started telling me I could join the new 24/7 gym. Okay mom, that’s cool. I’ll get on that. So I did and I got this sweet FOB that opens up the door, but I can’t let people inside, and after giving me the tour he pointed out the cameras and told me he’d be watching. Cool, no problem. There were ports on each machine to charge your iPod on and USB ports for his or her pleasure. You know, something to spice it up a bit. Maybe a USB powered fan or a USB powered point of light on a stick. Maybe use the touch screen to take a look at some pictures of yourself when you were hot tan and in shape.